New from Anglican Innovations!

Is your congregation theologically confused? Don’t know whether to be heretics reappraisers or orthodox reasserters? Can’t decide whether to follow scripture or the “new breath of the Spirit?” Inclusive language or gender-specific? Should you restrict communion to baptized Christians, or extend it to all present? Is it “Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” or do you need to go with “Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer?”

Sure, you can go “study the works of the Early Fathers,” but who has time for that in the middle of their twenty-first century lives? It’ll take you from now until next Christmas just to wade through the Philokalia; don’t even think about trying to digest the Summa Theologica on your weekend downtimes! Besides, if that old stuff was important, they’d teach it in the seminaries!

Anglican Innovations introduces the Theological Answers Ball™ to help you determine which way the winds of doctrine are blowing. Just frame your questions in yes-or-no format, lay hands on the ball, say the A.I.-researched and developed Congregational Request for Answers Prayer™, invert the ball, and see the answer displayed for all to see. (The CRAP is posted below, as a free sample of what you can expect from Anglican Innovations.)

Best of all, the Theological Answers Ball has been designed as a thoroughly post-modern device. Since we all know the Spirit blows whatever he/she feels like, today’s answers from the TAB are never set in stone! Just ask the same questions over again, and you may get yourself a different answer! The possibilities for constant spiritual chaos renewal are infinite! Doctrines can be changed weekly to avoid that dread sense of historical continuity that is the bane of every modern parish.

Theological Answers Balls™ are available in a variety of styles, colors, and languages. Order yours today!

Congregational Request for Answers Prayer™
Oh great being, our mother/father,
Shine forth your Sophia spirit,
And reveal to your offspring here assembled,
Whom you love and accept just as they are,
Today’s answers to the questions we have posed before you.
Spare us from rigidity and absolutism;
Help us to embrace the spirit of the age;
Defend us from linear thinking.
All this we ask though Jesus, the best guy ever.
Amen.
(At this point, an appropriate hymn may be sung, such as Marty Haugen’s All Are Welcome.)