Vampire Seeks Governor's Job

The following is excerpted from an article in the Sunday Times of Australia. And here I thought it was a hoot that Kinky Friedman was running for governor of Texas. Minnesota, progressive state that it is, seems way ahead of us. The most extreme thing the Kinkster would do in the governor's mansion is smoke a little dope; this guy might eat the staff.

Minneapolis voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

"Politics is a cut-throat business," said Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey, who said he plans to announce his bid for governor on the ticket of the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party.

At last, an honest political candidate – one who admits he’s a bloodsucker. You might not want him kissing your baby, however.

[…] "I'm a Satanist who doesn't hate Jesus," Sharkey said. "I just hate God the Father."

Interesting theological notion. I guess it is based on the Trinitarian principle that respecting “two outta three ain’t bad.” Come to think of it, how many Trinitarian Satanists are there, anyway? And are they the only real Satanists? Are the others just deluded – sort of like Upside-Down New-Agers?

However, he claims to respect all religions and if elected, will post "everything from the Ten Commandments to the Wicca Reed" in government buildings.

An equal opportunity vampire, at least.

Sharkey also pledged to execute convicted murders and child molesters personally by impaling them on a wooden pole outside the state capitol.

I’m a pretty hard-nosed guy; I could live with that. There’s nothing in Scripture that says you have to be gentle in your executions, and impaling is probably quicker than a lot of the other umm… “traditional” forms of execution. I am not quite sure it will pass constitutional muster in the USA, however. Seems to me I remember something about “cruel and unusual.” If you have to give convicts exercise equipment, then I suspect impaling is probably a non-starter. On the other hand, a few guys “posted” (sorry) outside the capitol might make for better legislation.