Looking for a New Priest?

Try the Episcope
Tired of trying to figure out what prospective clergy really think? Tired of trying to figure out what their statements really mean? The new Episcope can provide your vestry or search committee with fast, crystal clear results.











In order to conduct a rector exam by this new procedure, instead of the participants gathering around a table, the victim patient prospective clergyperson is laid on the table. The Episcope is inserted and directed by fiber optics deep into his or her theological organ. The insertion procedure is essentially painless, though there may be some discomfort*. The discomfort is best palliated by the administration of large amounts of communion wine. During this insertion step, it will become immediately apparent whether or not your clergy has any guts to begin with; if not, the procedure can be terminated at this point.

Correct placement of the probe can be determined by the volume of dark brown matter present at the core of the theological organ (technically, this material is known as Bultmannesque Secretion, or BS). The material can be irrigated and removed through the hollow core of the Episcope, so the examiner can get a clear view of the prospect's theology without having to wade through a large amount of BS.

Once the BS has been flushed away, the theological organ can be examined in detail to find any Polyps of Heterodoxy. A cauterizing loop is present on the end of the Episcope, so that any small heterodoxies can be immediately removed. It is important to eliminate any heterodoxies found; left untreated, even the smallest will inevitably progress to full-blown heresy.

Unfortunately, heterodoxies can be found in almost all younger clergy these days, generally the result of seminary exposure. These are usually small and can be removed by Episcopic techniques. In cases where the seminary exposure has been extremely liberal, or in older clergy, heterodoxies are frequently too large to be successfully removed through the Episcope. In such instances, it is best to remove the patient from the parish setting, as large heterodoxies can actually be transmitted from person to person. Successful treatment generally involves large doses of repentance, which can only be administered by a licensed M.D. (Merciful Divinity).

If heresy is discovered, the prognosis is grave. The best treatment is palliative; encouraging the patient to write columns for the diocesan newspaper, or sending him to ecumenical conferences with non-Christian religions may provide a great degree of relief. One should not express shock if, at this point, the patient starts growing facial hair and becomes convinced he is Rowan Williams. (This symptom is particulary disturbing in female clergy.)

If the prospective clergy is free of heterodoxies, or if they can be successfully removed, the parish can look forward to many years with a healthy, contented pastor, who can be easily trained and is sure to be free of serious behavior problems.

* It is a very ominous sign if the prospect enjoys the insertion procedure.