Episcopal Church Launches Offensive Against Wayward Dioceses

(Episcopal Ministry of Propaganda) Heroic fighters from the PLO (Pagan Liturgical Organization), a militant wing of The Episcopal Church Fedayeen, prepare their mobile launcher to fire medium-range ballistic cacti into the dissident Diocese of Fort Worth early this morning, as open hostilities apear imminent. Any hope of a peaceful settlement appeared to vanish when dissident leader Jack Iker reportedly told TEF head Kathering Jefforts-Schori to "take a hike, and take your funny purple hat with you."

At secret airfields scattered through loyalist dioceses, planes filled with high-impact lawyers are reportedly ready to take to the air. "We'll hit them with so many writs and suits, they'll never know whee the next blow is coming from," boasted TEF Air Marshall David Booth-Beers.

Meanwhile, behind the lines in Fort Worth, beleagured Anglicans assembled stockpiles of holy water and blessed salt for use against any land invasion. TEF threatened that any use of such unconventional weapons would be mean total annihilation for orthodox Episcopalians. "If they burn us with those chemical warheads, we'll force them to listen listen to Eucharistic prayer C until their ears rupture!" thundered Jefforts-Schori. Meanwhile, General Bishop Iker remained concerned but confident. "Their Shock and Awe can't compete against our Shekinah," he said.