Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Donald Duck's Tomb Revealed?

(Anglican Innovations, Feb. 27, 2007): Fresh on the heels of his spectacular special on the tomb of Christ, Oscar-winning film director James Cameron announced today that his new special, The Lost Tomb of Duck, will air April 1 on the Discovery Toons network. Cameron’s documentary film recounts what may be the “archeological find of the century,” beginning with the unearthing of a tomb in Hollywood, California containing 5 small stone boxes.
The Stone Bone Box Attribute to Donald

Cameron and renowned animation scholar Simcha “Bugs” Jacobovici provide startling evidence that one of the boxes from the tomb contains the long-sought skeletal remains of Donald Duck. The other bone boxes, or ossuaries, are believed to contain the remains of Donald’s three nephews and his paramour, Daisy.

Asked how anyone could be sure of the identities of the individuals buried in the tomb, Jacobovici replied, “It’s all a matter of statistics; we all trust statistics don’t we?” He then pointed to letters carved into the side of the largest bone box. “See there? That inscription is written in Old High Duckan. You can clearly make out the letters Daleth – Nun – Lamedh – Daleth, followed by Daleth – Kaph. Since Old High Duckan Script has no vowels, you have to interpret the pronunciation, but clearly DNLD DK can only refer to Donald Duck. And, indeed, the bones recovered from the box are those of a male duck. The other boxes are inscribed, in similar text, HWY, DWY, LWY, and DSY. These are clear references to Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Daisy. The statistical likelihood of all these names appearing in the same tomb is infinitesimal, unless this is truly the tomb of Donald.”

Skeleton From the "Donald Ossuary"

Archeological analysis of the “Donald Ossuary” dates it to the 1940’s. Cameron said, “This is truly a startling discovery with implications for a lot of people’s basic beliefs.”

Anglican Innovations interviewed John Dominic Crossbun of the Donald Seminar to get a scholar’s perspective on the find. “This is an amazing find,” he replied. “Those of us who seek to understand the Historical Donald will be contextualizing these remains for years. Unfortunately, over the decades, the real Donald Duck has disappeared beneath many layers of myth, legend, and outright fabrication by his followers. The dating of the tomb to the 1940’s is critical. Donald clearly died the first time a safe was dropped on him back during the war years. All the later movies and cartoons from the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s can now clearly be seen to be products of the early Disneyite community rather than literal appearances of the Duck himself. The early followers of the Duck clearly produced these animations in order to interpret their inner experience of the real Donald and his impact on their lives.”

Director Cameron added, “What I find fascinating is the presence in the tomb of Daisy. For years, fundamentalist Disneyites have not only claimed that Donald was alive, but also that he was a permanent bachelor. Here we have clear physical evidence from the tomb that Daisy and Donald were more than friends. The Daisy bone box clearly bears not only Daisy’s name, but DSY ANTT DNLD – Daisy, wife of Donald. The so-called apocryphal cartoons produced outside the Disney Studios turn out to have been right all along; the apparent platonic relationship between Donald and Daisy is clearly a legend of the early Duck movement, reflecting their negative view of expressions of sexuality. These discoveries should put an end once and for all to fundamentalist Disneyanity. I am sure the Disneyites will deny the evidence, but all rational people will now see the foolishness of their claims.”

Other scholars, however, were not so sanguine. Jacob Ben Mallard, a professor in the Archeology Department at the Toon University of Hollywood, told Anglican Innovations, “This whole thing is preposterous. In the first place, this tomb was discovered back in 1994 when the were digging up O.J. Simpson’s yard – it is not a new discovery. Secondly, the identification is all wrong. These guys seem to have forgotten that Old High Duckan reads from right to left and there are no spaces. DNLD DK becomes KDDLND, which is best rendered “Kiddieland,” and old amusement park from the Depression era where they featured a trained duck act. YSD, YWL, YWH, and YSD are all serial numbers from bird leg bands that they used to identify their ducks.”

Asked for a response, Cameron and Jacobovici stated, “We stand by our documentary, and we will let the viewers, very few of whom have any training in Old High Duckian or Californian archeology, make their own decisions.”