From the Letters to the Editor column in the Charleston (S.C.) Post and Courier:
I am concerned for those who feel marginalized and threatened by the recent decision of the Diocese of South Carolina to eschew the new doctrines of the national Episcopal Church USA. To quote a former president: "I feel your pain." I am, therefore, offering a new and improved line of tools for the spiritual do-it-yourselfer.
First, an improved plumb bob. Traditional plumb bobs are heavy and dangerously pointed at one end. If dropped on one's bare foot, it would be quite painful.
The new, improved plumb bob is made of tissue paper and is blunt ended. It does sway a bit in a breeze, but it should be good enough for government work.
Second, a new builder's level. Traditionally made with a spirit tube containing an air bubble meant to be aligned between two marks, this tool can be tedious to use. Getting that pesky bubble exactly in position can be frustrating and time consuming. The new level dispenses with the "spirit." Simply hold until it looks level to you.
Third, the new customized ruler. Traditional rulers are arbitrarily calibrated to what many consider a restrictive standard of 12 inches to the foot. The new and improved custom ruler will be provided per customer preference - six inches to the foot, 13 inches to the foot, or the English system can be replaced altogether.
Having spent the week working with these new tools, one may feel the need to renew the soul. The traditional Bible, however, contains many passages that cause discomfort and trouble for the seeker. The new Bible has all such passages removed. Unlike the cumbersome old Bible, it is easy to carry, can fit easily into a shirt pocket and can be gone through in minutes.
I hope these offerings will be well received so that we can all just get along.
I almost forgot. Included with every order will be spiritual ear plugs, which will allow one to hear even the faintest siren call of the world but will muffle the sound of a roaring lion.
Not to worry. I'm sure, it's not dangerous.
(I have omitted the author’s name in order to keep him from getting any more hate mail than he has already signed up for.)