Friday, March 03, 2006

New from Opus Dei, Just in time for Lent!

Ever since the publication of that unfortunate book, The Da Vinci Code, those who wish to follow the path of corporal mortification have found themselves under public scrutiny. Gone are those glory days when we could safely travel from town to town, publicly lashing ourselves into ecstasy. After the unwanted publicity from Dan Brown’s minim opus, how can the remnant faithful follow our holy practices without drawing unfavorable attention from the crawling masses of hell-spawned heathen general population? Now that we have entered the Holy Season of Lent, most true Christians members of the Order are afraid to pull out the simplest whip or chain for public degradation penance lest they draw ridicule upon Holy Mother Church.

Opus Dei proudly endorses the new Mark 666 Electronic Flagellator, The Beast™ of all concealed self-flagellation devices. Easily worn around the waist, The Beast is invisible under loose clothing. Electrodes can be placed on the back, chest, or any other more sensitive part of the body one wishes to torture chastise. Simple, intuitive electronic controls permit the wearer to dial in any level of penance from a mildly titillating “Inadvertant Venial” to a brain-sizzling “Repentant Apostate.” You can punish your sinful nature on the bus, at the office, in the restaurant, or in the comfort of your own home without disturbing the purulent bags of sinful corruption other folks around you.

The unit runs off easily-replaceable, rechargeable cell phone batteries; typical battery life is 36 hours at venial-sin settings, 6 hours at mortal. The unit is guaranteed for 5 complete Great Lents.

Units not sold at most department stores; if you’re really one of us, you’ll know where to get one.

Caution: Use at high settings may lead to involuntary grunting and twitching. If this causes unwanted attention, it is generally sufficient to claim a neurological condition and threaten to sue for discrimination. Do not use if you have a pacemaker, implanted hearing aid, or embedded shrapnel. Do not operate heavy machinery or motor vehicles while the flagellator is on. Do not use tobacco products while at the highest settings, as cigarettes and cigars will light by themselves. Do not under any circumstances handle explosives while wearing the flagellator. Use while swimming or bathing may result in involuntary martyrdom. Avoid exposure when raining or snowing. Manufacturer is not responsible if you attempt to cross security checkpoints while wearing device. Recharger and spare batteries sold separately.