As the Cathedral Goes, so Goes the Church

From The Telegraph (UK):
What the article actually said:

Canterbury Cathedral is falling apart at the seams, with chunks of masonry dropping off its walls and a fifth of its internal marble pillars held together by duct tape.

The extent of the building's disrepair was revealed yesterday at the launch of a global campaign to raise £50 million over five years for urgent and long-term renovation and conservation.

The cathedral, the mother church of worldwide Anglicanism which was founded in 597 by St Augustine, was the scene of the murder of Thomas Becket in 1170 and has survived extensive bombing of the city during the Second World War.

But Allan Willett, the chairman of the trustees, says it is now facing its biggest challenge — serious corrosion and pollution.

"Despite its 900 turbulent years, it is the next few years that represent this cathedral's time of greatest danger," he said.

[…] The cathedral was at a "critical point in history" and if action was not taken "deterioration will turn into dereliction", he said.

"We don't like to admit that we have had to tie bits of the columns together because we are proud of the building, but we do," he said.

Masons had to "sweep" the exterior walls to remove chunks of wall that were threatening to fall off, and pieces of stone had become dislodged from the towers and fallen on to the roof, he added.

The first priority for the cathedral will be the huge task of tackling the roof, where the support beams are beginning to rot and the lead has become so thin that rain is leaking through a growing number of holes.

An estimated £2 million is needed for the West Tower for urgent work on the buttresses to prevent falling masonry, and a further £5 million for the Bell Harry Tower, where 500-year-old carvings are wearing away.

[…] The authorities also want to secure the cathedral's music and enhance its visitor facilities.

The cathedral hopes that it can appeal to Anglicans and wealthy benefactors worldwide, and is to open offices in North America and Asia.

The dean, the Very Rev Robert Willis, said that all avenues of fundraising would be considered, though suggestions that the cathedral could sell the Archbishop of Canterbury's house or collaborate with wealthy Muslims might not best serve the local community.

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What the article really should have said:

The Church of England is falling apart at the seams, with chunks of the Communion dropping away from its influence and a fifth of its internal congregations held together by duct tape.

The extent of the denomination's disrepair was revealed yesterday at the launch of a global campaign to raise £50 million over five years for urgent and long-term renovation and conservation of funds and property.

The Church of England, the mother church of worldwide Anglicanism which was founded in 1534 by Henry VIII, was the scene of the murder of Christian Doctrine in the 1970’s and 1980’s and has survived extensive bombing of the Gospel during the Postmodern Era.

But Allan Willett, the chairman of the trustees, says the clergy is now facing its biggest challenge — serious corrosion and pollution of the Truth.

"Despite its 500 turbulent years, it is the next few years that represent this Church's time of greatest danger," he said.

[…] The Church was at a "critical point in history" and if action is not taken "deterioration will turn into loss of money and property", he said.

"We don't like to admit that we have had to tie bits of the Communion together because we are proud of the status quo, but we do," he said.

Masons had to "sweep" the exterior walls to remove provinces and dioceses that were threatening to fall off, and individual congregations that had become dislodged from their dioceses and fallen on to the Global South, he added.

The first priority for the cathedral will be the huge task of tackling the hierarchy, where the veneer of historic Christianity is beginning to rot and the pretense has become so thin that apostasy is leaking through a growing number of holes.

An estimated £2 million is needed for the First-world Church for urgent work on the buttresses of Faith to prevent total schism, and a further £5 million for the American Church, where 200-year-old congregations are running away.

[…] The authorities also want to secure really bad liturgical music and enhance the visitor facilities.

The Church hopes that it can appeal to increasingly skeptical Anglicans and wealthy benefactors worldwide, and is to open offices in North America and Asia.

The dean, the Very Rev Robert Willis, said that all avenues of fundraising would be considered, though suggestions that the Church could sell the Archbishop of Canterbury or collaborate with wealthy Muslims might really best serve to fill the Church’s coffers.