Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Alien Beer Can Found on Mars

The Mars Explorer robot recently returned a picture of the Martian surface revealing what appears to be the crushed remains of an alien beer can. Dr. Berkeley Stanford of NASA discussed the discovery with reporters at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory yesterday.

Dr. Stanford indicated that the presence of the beer can had major implications for human exploration of the Red Planet. “We have been taking great pains to sterilize our spacecraft prior to launch out of concern for contaminating the pristine environments of other planets with earth-born microorganisms. It looks like we don’t have to worry about that anymore; it should save us a lot of money.”

When asked about the significance of the beer can for our understanding of the universe, Dr. Stanford responded, “Well, it really isn’t that much of a surprise. We’ve known for decades that the aliens were out there, and that they are real pigs. Everybody thinks we’ve been covering up a UFO crash at Roswell back in 1947. In reality, there was no crash. The debris field on Mac Brazel’s ranch wasn’t a spacecraft; it was what was left when the slobs dumped a bunch of trash bags out of their moving vehicle. The bags hit the ground at about 800 miles per hour and splattered alien garbage everywhere. The “mystery material” that Major Jesse Marcel showed to his family was just a piece of an alien Hefty bag. We were still using paper back in ’47, and nobody recognized what it was until years later.”

Dr. Stanford also replied to questions about why the aliens have not made formal contact. “We’re not sure, but the general consensus in the intelligence community is that the little grey slobs just don’t want to pay the littering fines they’ve accumulated.”